The first 100 days

 *The First Hundred*

Its 100 days today since my angel broke her wing

She was for this earth, but not of it

Long before seas parted and life churned

She had me on her roster

Her long soft tresses, brown eyes and beautiful face

Smote me. Enchanted me. 42 years ago


She reined me in, dragged me into her goodness

She held me there with great affection.

Never hurt anyone, nor raised voice in anger or despair. 

Never forgot to smile or chat with King or knave. 

Never missed a beat in prayer or devotion

Never stopped providing those in want or need


Then at the bewitching hour of the 21st midnight

She fell

Silent, hurt, watching me tearfully, fearfully

as she did a slow fade-out.

Her left hand on my trembling right palm loosened

My heart fell

Hurt, incoherent, confused, helpless and angry


I pleaded, heavenwards.

I looked for God all these days, didn’t find

I looked to God, didn’t pray

Ranted and raved for broken wing to quickly heal

Where was God when I needed Him most?

When His angel He sent needed Him most?

She was His in the first place, wasn’t she?


White coats and scalpels opened her up

Sorted out tissues, nerves, neurons.

White coats and scalpels closed her up

Happy at her heavy breathing

Sad for the tonsured wreck being wheeled out


I continue to search, ask, rant, rave.

Myriad questions; no answers.

Seems He sees no reason to respond

Visitors and friends appear in droves

Physio appears, Caregivers appear

Doctors, Healers, Sustenance givers appear

But no God comes along


Glad tidings and caring arms tighten around my shoulders

Gentle palms lightly touch her body and face

Brown eyes open, they smile

She and I see everyone, grateful for every little help

But I see no God


Long brown tresses have long gone

Scars and metal runs along and thru her hair and head

Broken wing, helplessly by her side.

Her eyes dim and sparkle

through pain, hallucinations and hope.

We hold each other, talk through cold nights

Sometimes rolling tears listen to our gasps of despair

Healers, friends, neighbours, prayers, happy vibes don’t stop

But God has.


The wind picks up, feathers rustle

The wing lifts up, ever so slightly

She sits, she stands, her smiles are wider

The soft brown eyes, now unglazed, acknowledge what she is now

Physio, physicians friends attend ceaselessly

Where the hell is God?


Of this I absolutely know.

For sure

My angel’s wing WILL mend

She has me on her roster

She flew down for me with muscle and intent

Her task is still incomplete; I have yet to mend.


Friends, neighbours, prayers, healings, stay unabated

Her wing has gotten stronger,

Her shoulder droop has long gone

Her eyes are sharper, memory is too

Pain and hallucinations have almost gone

But I’ve not stopped asking my Creator

Where the hell are You!


She will read and write again

Her joy for reading, clothes and jewels will resurrect

She will deal with banks and bourse again

She will hold me close with both hands

She will walk to my bedside holding my silly morning tea

Garden and the girls will watch her stride on the podium


My angel knows our lives have changed

My angel’s eyes well up on good times we had

My angel worries for her emotion-ridden Me

My angel holds my hand reassuringly

Smiles confidently through twitches and pain


I've long stopped asking questions

I’ve long stopped seeking answers

She still hurts in her heart; I do too

I seek God’s help. Every moment of the day

I see single set of footprints in the sand

When there should have been two side by side

But I’m blinded

by despair and despondency


I fail to realise He has me on His shoulders

and those single set of footprints are His

I fail to see Him in our Friends, neighbours, prayers, healings.


I fail to see Him through quivering of seemingly dead muscles

Through tentative, then strong, steps as she stands, walks

Through scars and tissue that have now healed


Guess He does keep Alka and me company after all!

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